Poem: lonely at school

I feel lonely.

Surrounded by my classmates, rows of desks placed close together.

Physically close but distant from each other.

I look around.

There’s the class clown, he couldn’t give a damn.

Casually leaning back and chewing gym, surrounded by his clam.

He doesn’t worry about exams – why should he?

What’s the f*cking point in learning about geometry?

I look around.

Everyone in their cliques.

The Asians, the quiet ones, the nerds, the cool ones.

But what group are you in, huh?

You got a couple of pals, the ones you spend most time with.

But it doesn’t look like they give much of a sh*t.

Before each lesson you play the same game…

Hmm, where should I sit? With this guy or that guy?

Does it make a difference?

I’ll still feel lonely no matter the distance

Between me and them, them and me.

Whether we’re talking or silent, I feel a boundary.

Does everyone else feel this way?

Or is it just me?

How am I supposed to ask questions like that,

Without them thinking I’m crazy?

Judging me, rolling eyes, looking down on me.

Seeing me as the brown kid who isn’t rowdy,

He does his work proudly.

He’s innocent, naive, non-threatening.

Not the type who electrifies on the sports field,

Or sets trends with what he wears?

And girls? Ha, don’t even go there.

This dude couldn’t talk to a girl if he tried,

He’s too scared. That’s the truth there.

He still looks thirteen.

Short, skinny, glasses, no facial hair,

He’s turning seventeen! I’m not joking.

He is me. I am he.

Way back at school I felt lonely.

I didn’t fit in anywhere, I didn’t feel deserving.

Had I looked a little closer,

Maybe I’d realise I wasn’t the only one hurting.

– – – – –

Written by,

Jay

aka: the awkward brown guy, and AB Guy

✏ Sunday, 18th March 2018 @ 3.32pm

👀 Read more of my poetry here.

If Napoleon Dynamite was a writer…

So, this week I have done precisely zero work on my novella. Ze-ro. Zilch. Nada. And after 3 straight weeks of decent momentum.

Uuuuuuuuuuuugggghhhhhhhhh.

Gosh, it feels pretty shi*tty writing that down, and then typing it up as I am doing right now. I’m thinking of the beep…beep…beep of the heart-rate monitor, before that long beeeeeeeep at the end to indicate something is wrong.

napoleon dynamite
clker-free-vector-images

Ah man. Annoying. Here’s my trying to break down what happened here:

The previous week was tricky
Last week, I wrote how I had to force myself to write after the novelty of the story had worn off, and it was starting to feel that I was writing just for the sake of writing, and keep the word-count ticking along. This, of course, has it’s benefits – pen-to-paper is the hardest thing, after all! But I’d certainly lost noticeable enthusiasm for writing my short-story-cum-novella.

Meaty chapters lie ahead
I’m over the half-way mark in the story, and from here on in every chapter feels pretty significant. And chunky. Throughout the story we find out more about Joel, the main character, and I have a pretty decent outline of the way things are going to go, and so what I need to write about / let unfold from now. Last week, the last chapter/chunk I wrote had been a pretty tedious one to get through, and it feels the same – if not ore tedious – for the next part. Oh man.

My job search
Having taken a year off last year, I’ve been figuring out what to ‘do’ work-wise. With that has come the anxiety from not having worked in a while and going back to work, as well as choosing ‘the right thing’. At this point in time, I actually feel like I have a semblance of a plan as to what to do. Accordingly, I’ve been making calls, sending emails and even going into places and chatting/dropping my CV off. With a job search, it’s not just the physical time one spends actually applying/looking for jobs, but the actual mental energy the whole thing takes up.

Family/friends
Last weekend, it was just me and bro at home as my parents were away. I spend time chilling with him, and we went out with our cousin and uncle one evening. I also was out with a friend one evening last week. In other words, I did more socialising that I normally would, and so I felt more tired from this / socially-stimulated than usual. (I also had another evening out cancelled, and turned down yet another).

But…
At the end of the day, at any point – I had ample time – I could have just sat down and written. Just like I did last week, when I also hadn’t felt completely overjoyed at doing so. This is another example of how something can start with just missing a day or two, and then all of a sudden turning into a few days of doing nothing. As stupid as it is, once I’d realised I only had a couple of days left to ‘catch up’ and maintain the sort of pace I had been thus far, it felt like I pretty much gave up.

I woke up today intending to write. I didn’t. Truth be told, I did some job-searching stuff, and spent time procrastinating. I’m soon off to the gym, and going to a birthday party tonight. (What’s worse is that the “wig” I’ve ordered for this wig-party was supposed to arrive by today, and it still says it’s going to get here before 8pm, and there’s still no sign of it! Karma, maybe).

I won’t lie, sometimes you can have “too much time’ on your hands, as counter-intuitive as that sounds. And right now, I think it’ll do my good once the whole work-situation is more stable and I can relax about that a little.

But this week’s stats sure don’t make great viewing:

Where I’m currently at
Week 1: 21 pages (A5)
Week 2: 27.5 pages (A5)
Week 3: 21 pages (A5)
Week 4: 0 pages (#fml)

*still* ~15k words written

On a positive note
I have still been writing every day. I continue to journal, write blog posts and I even published my first poem on Sunday. So hey, not all bad. But I have to admit, it feels like little consolation. It’s been a week of thinking over doing, which is a pattern I definitely want to keep at bay.

For the Easter break, I’m away with my family for a couple of those days which I’m looking forward to. However, it’s a four-day weekend and I really want it to feel productive. Even if it’s just a few minutes here and there, I want to get back into the creative writing swing and carry on where I left off with the novella. I need to think of it as “little bit by bit” rather than big, whole, scary important chapter.

And hopefully that darn Napoleon Dynamite wig (+ accompanying ‘Vote for Pedro t-shirt) will arrive in the next couple of hours before I leave tonight.

🤞🏽

PS. In case you haven’t seen Napoleon Dynamite (you totally need to), or if you have, here’s a short clip from the movie which feels pretty apt right now.

✏ Written: Thursday, 28th March 2018 @ 5.03pm

A.B. Guy | articles | newsletter 💌

What about you? 🤷🏽‍♂️
How’s your week been? Has it felt like a good one, or a less-than-ideal one? (Be honest, I can handle it, I promise!)

Poem: a nice quiet Sunday

A nice quiet Sunday, just me and bro at home,

We both enjoy our downtime, sometimes we like to be alone.

Sundays are for reflecting,

Chilling out and introspecting,

Reflecting on the week behind,

Reflecting on the week ahead,

Reflecting on all the things going on inside your head.

Keeping some of those thoughts at bay,

Naming them when you need to do – so those thoughts don’t stay.

Some of those thoughts aren’t nice, you just want them to go away.

But facing them head-on helps make them go away.

For now at least. The mind is weird,

Things crop up from time-to-time,

One day you’ll feel downcast, the next you’ll be fine.

Just another Sunday, ticking away,

There’s something holy about it – last Sunday I prayed

At a church in the city,

Felt more at easy than I thought – some of the girls there were pretty.

Whoops – I shouldn’t be looking, should be praying instead,

Not thinking about which girl I wanna be taking out instead.

Hey, I’m only human, not committing a crime,

Though we all have our flaws, you have yours,

And I sure as hell have mine.

– – – – –

Written by,

Jay

aka: the awkward brown guy, and AB Guy

✏️ Sunday, 24th March 2018 @ 1.25pm

👀 Read more of my poetry here.